Hi.

Wow, that was really the best I could do. Next time I’ll try and use your name. So… fuck. Hold on. I can do this.

It’s been six weeks since they buried you under the ground. I hope, by now, your corpse has been gulped down by one of earth’s magma floods and you’re somewhere burning in the centre of earth. It doesn’t matter if it happened or not, because it’s just your flesh and bones really. But I’d rather have you melted away completely than to have you eaten by zillions of disgusting insects. You should either be beautiful like you’ve always been, or not be here at all. Not ‘here’ like… here-here, here next to me, but here in this planet.

I shouldn’t be talking about your freaking corpse.

Fuck Bill, I wish I could talk to you like this and not nearly cry all my body fluid out. I never used to be a cry-baby. We both knew how to stay strong and not linger at the same moment for too long. This moment was not quite the same, though. This moment is a moment that will remain the same moment and it will not change, it won’t secretly move into another moment. Everyone knows when it started, but now as for when it will end, only you and me will know.

Never ever ever ever.

I wonder why it’s always the really badly screwed up moment that stays. That’s probably something I’m going to be wondering day after day. I’m afraid so. Like, ‘why couldn’t it be a tremendously GOOD moment that hung on permanently?’ or ‘why can’t this moment just stop and turn into another one that has no memory of the previous one at all?’ or simply ‘why did you have to die?’ That’s another thing that crossed my mind this week; you know how people intend to ask why someone died. Well, that’s pretty easy, you died because you were very sick. I just don’t know why you had to.

Something scares me even more. What if it only just started? Maybe losing you wasn’t even the worst. Maybe it just had to happen before I could really start feeling true pain. Am I right now simply discovering what part you played in my life? Couldn’t I just know without losing you for it? Is this whole stupid thing MY fault? Maybe if I’d known you better than I did, maybe then you would’ve been fine and you’d still be with me. But that’s all just maybe. I guess I know this had barely anything, or nothing, to do with me. Stupid nature just decided to put a stupid tumour in your body to take you away from me and this stupid world. There is no explanation for your death that's reasonable enough. The only one I can think of, is that maybe, this is what you’d always wanted. Perhaps, you’d been unhappy all those years, I just never noticed.

But you weren’t unhappy, Bill. Shit, I think I’m enough of me to know that by now. I’ve just gotten to realise everything that happened the past few weeks, or years even, and I know I’m supposed to accept it and all, but I don’t think I ever will. I don’t think I ever could.

Do you? Bill? Can you even answer me? Is it reasonable for me to ask you all these questions even though you’re like air to me now? WILL YOU EVER ANSWER? I’m stuck between my own lines. I want to gasp, I want to pant, I want to be inhaling oxygen to keep myself alive. And I am, I’m doing it right this second and this one and this one and every second of my further life. But the air is never going to be enough.

It's simply the way you said good morning and the way you told me good night and to sleep tight. I knew, inside you'd never grow old and neither would I. That never meant you shouldn't have been able to grow old on the outside. No matter what I say there's always going to be that twist. And you're, a once living now death, proof of how the smallest twist in a sentence can cause the biggest in one's life.

You know how they say, twins share one soul? I feel that it's not just that. It's more like we breathed the same air but now you're gone I'm supposed to breathe twice as fast, just to catch up. That's hard, you know? It's hard enough to keep breathing enough for myself when, at the same time, I keep realising I'll never be able to hold you or just see you sitting next to me again. It aches.

It really does.


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