I know I only just talked to you yesterday, but it didn't feel as though it was enough for more than a day.

For the past few weeks I've been actually kind of selfish. And all though I see not what is wrong with that, since you just went missing for good and with that, an enormous part of me went missing too, I know I'm not the only person who's crumbling under it. A great deal of the pain you've caused, or are causing, is pretty much directed to me, with me being your twin brother and all. But it's about time I faced a bit more of reality than I had done until now. You are missed by so much more people than simply me.

Andreas came by today.

I guess that's the real reason I'm writing you so soon after. I hadn't seen the guy since your... your... since they buried you. I knew sooner or later he'd come. We both needed time on our own at first, but we aren't the type of person that can drown himself in his sorrow. At the end of the day, or weeks in our matter, there always has to be the second person who is actually man enough to keep you under. Keep you under water, or sorrow that is for us. But we don't, obviously. I don't think we are quite ready yet to go and murder each other like that. Frankly, I hope we'll never be ready for things such as that.
It was the most awkward visit he had ever made, Bill. I swear, it was even weirder than that time when he visited you out of the blue after you two had this big argument. At the time all you guys did was sit. Though, it was more like, Andreas was sitting and you were moving from couch to couch to chair to standing. Funny, I can't even remember what the fight was about.
Anyhow, this time was slightly different. First of all, he didn't come by unexpectedly; he texted me. And in a way it wasn't awkward at all. Because, I suppose, this time it would've been a lot more awkward if we had burst out laughing after five minutes and we'd stood up and hugged each other, gotten over it, and then went to the park and had a smoke. It would've been too weird to have tremendous conversations and play car race on our old playstation.
Now sitting opposite of each other, doing nothing but thinking about YOU, seemed like the only rational thing to do.

So we did.

You've got to believe me when I tell you this, because it's not something I would've believed if you told me. Well... he cried.

We had been doing the sitting thing for at least an hour, and I was getting more comfortable every second. I bet he felt my pain, because I definitely felt his, and all this made us not so far lost from each other. It would've been the same if we were at a really crowded place and we held hands, we still felt lost but at least we felt lost together. And then, being the first thing that actually happened out of the real fucking blue, he started sobbing... no, actually it was honest crying.

This is a whole other new to me, Bill. And I'm not used to suddenly seeing people cry, people who you've always labeled as one who never ever cries. I didn't know what to do. First I didn't want to do anything, I was just going to let him sit there and let him cry, cry all he wanted. But I tell you, there's so much more emotion to it when you know the source of someone's tears, and it can also rip you apart inside when you realise it. Our best friend was crying for you, he was crying for my little brother, he was crying for one of his best mates. You couldn't even experience it, be there for him. I think I was afraid to be there for him, 'cause I knew all he really wanted was you right then, but I hugged him anyway. It was really too emotional for us to bare, but we did it anyway. Like you were going to die, even though that was too much for you to bare, but you did it anyway.

He left just an hour ago, something like that. I went straight to the playground again, where I first talked to you after your death. I don't know, but it seems rather peaceful down here. Every now and then I sneakily take a peek at the empty swing next to me, hoping it's suddenly not empty anymore, but it's you swinging beside me. And we're these tiny identical creatures again, without fucking having to worry who's the first one to die.

That would be great, wouldn't it, Bill? That would be freaking awesome.

Also I've been meaning to tell you, you somehow managed to make me kick my habit in less than a day. I'm smoke free. Totally clean. Thanks.


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