Bill? Do you ever think about… the past? I mean, with the band and all. The major success we had. It was such a different story, it doesn’t even seem like our life anymore. The only thing I really remember, is that we were happy back then. I don’t think we could’ve gotten any happier than we were back then.
God, I honestly can’t believe the worries we had back then. The last few months every worry revolved around you. It’s just that, we never really thought any further… We knew you were sick and we knew the chance you had of dying before you should, was way bigger than we’d wanted. But no one ever figured you were actually going to die. You were more like a fairytale than you were for real.

In the past, we worried about notes I’d played wrong on stage. We worried about your voice and you smoking too much. We worried about our fans and we worried about what the fans would do to us if there wasn’t enough security to our sayings. We worried about, what we’d probably now call little things, and even though you got real sick at least twice – none of it could compare with having to worry about you dying.
And the world had such compassion. The world had such grief. It was about that time, that I started to discover all new sorts of things about myself, and our fame. All that time our fanbase was a pretty important part of… well.. us. But seeing them grieving and sending letters to you which weren’t going to help anyway, made me grasp. I could finally see how shallow we had really become. Surely we needed our fans and we adored them for everything they did, despite a few exceptions. However, this finally made me realise we couldn’t have been further away from our fans. We knew nothing about them and they knew only simple facts on us. This wasn’t quite knowing each other at all. They were just there, like the stage and your microphone were.

You see, we needed them, and I truthfully believe they cared about you, but… I don’t know, your death made it seem not important at all. You know, Bill, I think I couldn’t care less about our fans now. And it sounds like an awfully mean thing to say, really, but then again, I haven’t got much left to care about.

They think they’re being thrown into the deep water over and over again, and that’s tiresome and might make you want to cry, but I’m thrown in there without even knowing how to swim back up. I’m nearly drowning.

But it’s these little things that save me everytime. Like a branch hanging above the water or a huge rock to hang on to. Even though you’re dead now and you threw me in first of all, you’re one of those little things just like mum is and Andreas is.

I got to hang on to my cherished if I want to get through this, Bill. I just wish I could hang on to you. Like, for real, you know. Simply to grab your arm and never let go. You threw me in so it’s nothing but fair for you to teach me how to swim again.

This is all just blah blah blah I suppose. Every night, when I find some sleep, I can't help but wonder; will I be happier when I wake up? When things were going great for us I thought I'd be happy forever no matter what. I was wrong big time. You were the biggest matter in my life and I lost you just like that, and I'm not so happy now, am I? Now that you're no more.
Interesting how you got me thinking about this kind of stuff. It wouldn't even have bothered if it wasn't for you passing away. When it was just the four of us; you, Gustav, Georg and me – we didn't care about that, you know. Like, we had other problems and such.
These past few weeks it's been just me, myself and I, and it's quite calming most of the times, but it can get frightening. I miss having friends around me and I miss being able to enjoy it and embrace that loving kind of feeling. It's just that, I know I can't right now.

So I search for you.

... 'Cause I miss you, dude. Being pretty serious here.


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